my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
