I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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