she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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