im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
