I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
