Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
A bitchslap is in order.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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