i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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