he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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