His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
