I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
