oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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