If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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