i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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