i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
