then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish i was in the wii world.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
