Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
