I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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