meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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