you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
