gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
