shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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