Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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