I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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