i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
