when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
