I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
