Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
