Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
