I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
