I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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