I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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