I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
