Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
