How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
