My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
