I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
