Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
