does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
