true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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