I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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