Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
