Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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