Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My bed smells like the plague
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
