I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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