the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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