look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
