i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
