True but thats because hes a fetus.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
