Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
