Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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