It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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