yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
