Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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