don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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